Over a week ago, He was trying to get something across to me, something about seeing His hand in tough situations, having joy in bad times, and the like. And of course, I nodded and grinned and said that I understood and agreed wholeheartedly. Then He sighed (I’m sure) and allowed me to proceed with my day.
This conversation was held over the course of a week where I anticipated having a successful discussion with my oncologist which would lead to the end of my chemo treatments and all such medication. I was quite optimistic that I’d get my way, and I’d be able to breathe easily at the end of the appointment, ready to live a happy life free of side effects, treatments, and doctor appointments. Hmmm.
Things, as you may guess, did not go as planned. No, I shouldn’t go off the chemo or meds. There’s too high a risk of the cancer returning. No, my life was not my own…well, okay, that was what I was hearing, not necessarily what the doctor was saying, but you know how that goes.
Suffice it to say, we came to an understanding. I would go off the chemo for three, maybe six and no more than nine weeks. And during that time, I would go to all sorts of other doctors' appointments eating up all the precious free time I was looking forward to having, and all the world was going to come to an end…. well, again, what I was hearing—not necessarily what the doctor was saying…the world coming to an end, that is.
When the appointment was all over, I wanted nothing more than to cry my woes on someone’s shoulders. So, I hopped into my truck (cattle needed to be attended to irregardless of my emotional situation) and headed for the ranch.
I figured I would call my dad. He’s always good for a conversation on the woes of my life. Hmm. Either he wasn’t home, or he’d determined not to answer the phone when my number flashed (I mean, really, who wants to listen to a whiner when you’ve got better things to do?) (Love you, Dad…you’re amazing).
So, there was my eldest daughter. She should be home. But an unanswered call was quickly followed by a text stating that she was in class and would catch up with me later (later, of course didn’t come for a couple of days…sigh).
Not wanting to burden anyone else, I turned on my playlist and was struck with the concept of my God right there where I was at, waiting for me to turn to Him, to do just what He’d been trying to tell me all week long, preparing me for the disappointment I’d just faced.
And so, I wept. I cried both for the joy of knowing that my Heavenly Father cared, for the forgiveness He gave me, the smile He sent my way, and for (when it started to click in my brain) what He’d been trying to get me to see: look for His hand in all things.
But He wasn’t quite done.
After doing what I do with cows and calves, then coming home and doing what I do at my computer and my house and my yard, I took some time to watch a video and was thunked on the head by God.
Yup. I’d been looking for someone all day who would listen to my complaint (even though I’d shared it with God in the truck on the way up). I wanted someone to say I was justified in my complaint; I was righteous in my perception of things….and clearly, I was not behaving as God had been instructing me to do. Sigh.
Forgive me, Lord. I’m thick headed and know nothing. I can say, as Job:
“Who is he that hideth counsel without knowledge? Therefore have I uttered that I understood not; things too wonderful for me, which I knew not.” Job 42:3
I’d like to say I’m a little wiser now…and perhaps I am only in that I’ve been humbled, but….ummm…I know myself too well. Nonetheless, I’m so very thankful for my Heavenly Father Who is quick to teach, quick to correct, and quick to forgive. Who is both merciful and righteous, both gracious and just. Got to love a God like that. Got to love my wonderful Heavenly Father.
